Living Life: Back In Melbourne

Alas, my 3 month holiday in Brunei has come to an end. I’m typing this blog post now in Melbourne.

As usual, this 3 months back in Brunei really made me feel like I was at home. With my family, with my other ‘family’ and with my very good friends. Honestly, when I was about to leave for the airport, I was really sad. I didn’t want to leave them. I didn’t want to leave my beautiful home. I didn’t want to leave my great and awesome families and friends. I didn’t want to leave behind the good times we’ve had. It’s only been a few hours and I already miss them. It feels like you’ve lost a part of yourself. A part of you that is so essential to your life. You see them and interact with them almost daily. It really does suck to not see them for a long time.

However, I want this to be an appreciation post of sorts, especially to the 4 people who has been with me ever since I’ve been back. Shoutout to Kevin, Ehsan, Audrey and Nick Chin. You guys really made this holiday back home one of the best. All the times that we’ve been out together, just talking and hanging out, really made it for me. Thank you for all the good times. Special thanks to Ehsan and Nick Chin for helping me surprise Kevin on his birthday! I look forward to meeting you all again and let’s have another potluck :>

Also, special shoutout to my other family members who were part of this holiday too! Ben, Wei Ying, Wen Jun, Li Ying, Leo, Desmond, Yih Ping, Edward, Nicholas Lee, Soo Jing, Chann Yen, Stephanie, Dann, Zhi Chu, Fish. I think that’s all heh. I hope I don’t miss anybody out HAHA. You guys made the holiday really special too. I definitely won’t forget all the memories and I would like to see you all again some time soon. Let’s have another big party! 😀

Lastly, here’s a photo of the 5 of us. 🙂

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Left to Right: Kevin, Me, Ehsan, Audrey, Nick Chin

~CYC

Late Night Thoughts: Kampung Spirit

The more I hang out with my friends in this small town of Brunei, the more ‘Kampung Spirit’ I have and the more I realize how important it is to me.

When you go and start living in a busy area such as Melbourne CBD or rural areas such as Ferntree Gully, Glen Waverley etc., you have limited places to chill and hang out. Sure, you could go to a cafe to hang out but honestly, the food and drinks are expensive. And the vibes are never the same. Maybe you have the option of going to a friend’s house and just chill. But how often do you get the chance to do that if everybody lives far away from each other, ranging from 10km to 100km.

Here in Kuala Belait, everything is within reach from 5 minutes to 10 minutes. Food and drinks are cheap. Going to a friend’s house doesn’t feel awkward and weird. Everything just feels nice. Wanna go out and have some noodles and tea? Only costs at max $5. Don’t feel like spending money? Come over to a friend’s house and just chill over some card games, board games or even just plain talking.

A few days ago, me and my friends went to a home-based cafe that has a live band on the weekends. For me, that was one of the most amazing nights I have felt. It felt better than watching fireworks at Docklands in Melbourne or even going to a festival. Just the atmosphere itself beats any other events. You can even go up and sing with the band, provided they know the chords to the song. Like, what kind of miracle do you have to get to experience that elsewhere? And did I mention it’s free? With drinks at $1 to $3 and food at $2 to $5.

In a way, this trip back home kind of further cemented the feeling of ‘chill’ that I want to live with. I just love this kind of lifestyle too much to give it all up. Who knows maybe I’ll find this kind of feeling in Melbourne and end up migrating there? But for now, I have no intention of leaving what has stuck with me throughout my life. The ‘Kampung Spirit’

Short Stories: Gift

‘Happy birthday my friend! Here’s a gift for you.’ said his friend while handing him a wrapped present.

‘We prepared this especially for you.’ said by another friend of his.

‘Awww thank you guys. But I don’t need this gift.’ He sets aside the present on a table.

‘Huh? Why not?’

‘… Because you guys are the ‘gift’. You guys are the gifts that I never realized I wanted but I needed. And for that, I thank you all. I thank you all for staying with me even though I gave you guys all the BS. I really am glad to have you all still with me as good friends.’ He sheds a small tear on the corner of his eye.

And they all hugged each other without saying anything else.

~CYC

 

In My Mind: Envy

Envy. Envy is one of the seven sins alongside with Gluttony, Sloth, Lust, Pride, Wrath and Greed. It is also said to be the second most dangerous sin with the first place going to Pride. You might wonder why am I talking about the seven sins since it’s Chinese New Year and it’s such a heavy topic. Well, as all humans, we have our own ‘sins’ and for me, it’s the ‘sin’ of envy and recently I had something happened to me.

I spent my childhood in an environment where ‘competitiveness’ is a huge thing especially in education. Hence, the quotation marks. I was always told I had to get first in my class. I was always told to get 100. I was always told someone out there will be better than me if I don’t work hard to earn my place. As a result, I became jealous of other people. If they did better than me in a test, I would get bitter and get really sad.

As time goes on, I guess the jealousy of other people turned into envy and applied to other situations other than education such as family, relationships and lifestyle. If I see someone have great friendships/relationships or have a great family time, I immediately get envious of them. I want what they have. Therefore, I get emotionally frustrated and sad about my current situation.

Now, I only realized I have this ‘sin’ of envy only 3 years ago and I have been trying to fix it ever since. It has been going good for most parts but the only situation where I haven’t been able to fix my enviousness is friendship.

For me, I longed for a great friendship. Someone who I could have a deep talk to but also someone who could laugh and chill with me. Someone who I trust 100% in and someone who is honest with me. No lies and no BS. So whenever I see 2 or 3 people with that kind of friendship, it makes me envy them. ‘Why can’t I be like that? Why can’t I have a friendship like that? Did I do something wrong? Maybe I’m just not good enough.’ All these thoughts start flowing in me. Maybe the friendship I have with my friends isn’t what I thought it would be. It feels like a virus. It plagues my mind and thought process.

And you know, it turns out to be true. Story of my life. People just don’t see me the same way I see them. And it hurts really bad. Like a knife stabbed through the heart. I value friendship so much till the point where I cried a lot and can barely say anything. Why does my enviousness have to do this to me?

But you know what? I appreciate that they were honest with me instead of letting me live behind a wall of lies. Sure it may be bittersweet. But that’s life. You learn to accept it. If not, how else are you going to move on. Even then, at least we’re still friends. The worst part is only letting go of what I think the friendship should be. For that, I’m grateful to whoever that pulls me back into reality. The friends that puts the ‘realist’ perspective into my ‘idealist’ mindset. They’re the true heroes and friends.

As mentioned before, envy is the second most dangerous sin. And rightfully so. It weighs down on the human soul, making you relentlessly emotionally unstable and tired. Wishing you always had something better when you’re already well of with what you have.Without envy, you appreciate all the good things that happen in your life and make you feel content with what you have.

To end this post, I will promise myself that I will try to not allow my enviousness of other people get ahead of me. Because I do not want to experience the same suffering as I did last time. CYC out.

~CYC

 

Melodious Music: Charlie Puth – We Don’t Talk Anymore feat. Selena Gomez

We don’t talk anymore
Like we used to do
We don’t love anymore
What was all of it for?

Essentially the basis of the song which talks about two lovers who broke up and never talk to each other anymore. After the break up, the two lovers don’t want to see each other with their new partners,  mildly showing signs of regret and failure of acceptance.

Honestly, it feels heartbreaking to see someone that you used to love have someone else as a partner. Having her/him as part of your daily life was the norm and now it’s just all gone. In an instant. Talking to them. Being with them. Their presence and their love. Everything.

 

~CYC

Late Night Thoughts: Depression

‘I never liked you as a friend. ‘
‘You were never my priority.’
‘I don’t wanna be near with someone who is negative.’
‘You’re just a burden.’

Sometimes I want to be alone but not lonely. Emotions swing through the ends of both spectrum. I just want to have the presence of a good friend where even silence can make me feel better even though I keep rejecting someone’s offer to help.

Sometimes I feel like I care too much about something yet sometimes I feel like I don’t care about something at all.

Sometimes I struggle between telling the honest truth and keeping it to myself.

Sometimes I want people to just hug me and tell me ‘It’s going to be alright.’.

Sometimes I need a shoulder to cry on.

Sometimes I just need someone to listen to me.

Sometimes I just want to get rid of this feeling. This feeling of uncertainty. This feeling of swinging emotions. This feeling of tiredness. This feeling of worthlessness.

I want to feel good. I want to feel worthy. I want to feel loved.

I don’t want to feel bad. I don’t want to feel worthless. I don’t want to feel like everything I did was wrong.

These are the feelings of a person suffering from depression. Please be considerate to him/her and just know that it took them a lot of courage and trust to open up to people. They don’t speak of it to many people.

~CYC