Late Night Thoughts: Truth

‘The truth isn’t the truth because someone said so. It is only the truth if you believe it to be so.’

This quote was just a thought I came across the other day. As far as I’m concerned, people with depression have a skewed perception of how they see the world. And to me, that shed a light on what constitutes ‘truth’ for a person.

When someone cries out for help, what they want isn’t words or phrases like ‘You’ll be okay.’, ‘Everything will be fine.’, ‘Just be happy.’ etc., what they want is affirmation of appreciation of them, the presence of their friends/family with them and that everything is not tbeir fault. Because the ‘truth’ that they see is different than the ‘truth’ we see. Because they don’t see a way out of this. Because in their mind, they know this is what they’re going to experience in the future. Because they don’t want to keep suffering like this. Because this is their last resort.

What they perceive as the ‘truth’ is different than what is the ‘truth’ for their friends. They will never be able to listen to what their friends say. And that’s how I came up with the idea of the quote. It applies to all situations. Some people might be adamant about something because they believe it is the truth even though others say differently.

In the end, changing how someone perceives things is a hard thing.to do. It starts with yourself. It starts with embracing the other ‘truths’ because there is no one single ‘truth’ that exists.

~CYC

Late Night Thoughts: Homesick

When you first go to another country to study, you feel excited and enthusiastic. You can’t wait for a new environment; you’re tired of seeing the same people and same places. You want to experience something new. You finally get independence. You’re all on your own. You can do whatever you want.

But then you realize, ‘Oh, I don’t really know anybody. How am I going to make friends? Well, I just have to try.’ Then you try your best to approach people but most of them have their own clique. And you wonder, ‘This is going to be hard.’

As days pass, you realize this is harder than you thought. Things don’t go as plan. You barely know how to cook. Appliances go haywire. Daily necessities become a chore. Trying to save up money. Dealing with studies. Everything just became much harder. You want somebody to talk to. But all your good friends and family are far away. Contacting them is hard. Even with video calls, you just feel it’s not enough. You just want to see them. You start to reminisce the times you were at a party, doing stupid stuff and having fun. All the memories that you made. All of these come crashing down in moments. You just want to get back home. You just want to go to that airline website and book a ticket. But you know you can’t. The hopelessness. And then you cry by yourself in the lonely night.

Day 30. You know that sobbing isn’t going to help. You realize that you have to be strong, for your family and friends. To let them know you’re doing well. To not let them know that you’re not doing fine. To not let them worry about you. Everything seems to be going much better. You’re starting to live a much better life, blending in well with the new culture and new friends. You still miss the memories and the old life. You never forget them but you know, you have to move on and create new memories. Because in the end, you can always come back home; home to where you belong.

~CYC

Late Night Thoughts: Kampung Spirit

The more I hang out with my friends in this small town of Brunei, the more ‘Kampung Spirit’ I have and the more I realize how important it is to me.

When you go and start living in a busy area such as Melbourne CBD or rural areas such as Ferntree Gully, Glen Waverley etc., you have limited places to chill and hang out. Sure, you could go to a cafe to hang out but honestly, the food and drinks are expensive. And the vibes are never the same. Maybe you have the option of going to a friend’s house and just chill. But how often do you get the chance to do that if everybody lives far away from each other, ranging from 10km to 100km.

Here in Kuala Belait, everything is within reach from 5 minutes to 10 minutes. Food and drinks are cheap. Going to a friend’s house doesn’t feel awkward and weird. Everything just feels nice. Wanna go out and have some noodles and tea? Only costs at max $5. Don’t feel like spending money? Come over to a friend’s house and just chill over some card games, board games or even just plain talking.

A few days ago, me and my friends went to a home-based cafe that has a live band on the weekends. For me, that was one of the most amazing nights I have felt. It felt better than watching fireworks at Docklands in Melbourne or even going to a festival. Just the atmosphere itself beats any other events. You can even go up and sing with the band, provided they know the chords to the song. Like, what kind of miracle do you have to get to experience that elsewhere? And did I mention it’s free? With drinks at $1 to $3 and food at $2 to $5.

In a way, this trip back home kind of further cemented the feeling of ‘chill’ that I want to live with. I just love this kind of lifestyle too much to give it all up. Who knows maybe I’ll find this kind of feeling in Melbourne and end up migrating there? But for now, I have no intention of leaving what has stuck with me throughout my life. The ‘Kampung Spirit’

Late Night Thoughts: Depression

‘I never liked you as a friend. ‘
‘You were never my priority.’
‘I don’t wanna be near with someone who is negative.’
‘You’re just a burden.’

Sometimes I want to be alone but not lonely. Emotions swing through the ends of both spectrum. I just want to have the presence of a good friend where even silence can make me feel better even though I keep rejecting someone’s offer to help.

Sometimes I feel like I care too much about something yet sometimes I feel like I don’t care about something at all.

Sometimes I struggle between telling the honest truth and keeping it to myself.

Sometimes I want people to just hug me and tell me ‘It’s going to be alright.’.

Sometimes I need a shoulder to cry on.

Sometimes I just need someone to listen to me.

Sometimes I just want to get rid of this feeling. This feeling of uncertainty. This feeling of swinging emotions. This feeling of tiredness. This feeling of worthlessness.

I want to feel good. I want to feel worthy. I want to feel loved.

I don’t want to feel bad. I don’t want to feel worthless. I don’t want to feel like everything I did was wrong.

These are the feelings of a person suffering from depression. Please be considerate to him/her and just know that it took them a lot of courage and trust to open up to people. They don’t speak of it to many people.

~CYC

Late Night Thoughts: Lost Memories

‘如果有一天我失意了,你会怎么让我想起你?‘
‘If one day I lost my memories, how would you make me remember you?’

I came across this question on Facebook last year. I had formed some of my opinions around it at the time but nothing detailed or clear. Well, I figured it’s time to revisit this question!

Normally, you ask your friend this question and normally they will answer stuff like ‘Oh you were a funny person’, ‘You were a great person’, ‘You were kind’ etc. But that’s not the question is asking for. The question is asking for the memories between the person and his/her friend. The memorable moments and which characteristics of the friend makes him/her memorable are what the question is asking for. The question asks for the best moments with that person and their characteristics. In a way, it gives a sense of appreciation to the person who asked the question. It gives a reminder to the person who ask what he/she mean to their friends. In another sense, it could always be a bittersweet feeling, where you had amazing times with an ex-friend and it will never happen again. Nevertheless, it really gives you a great feeling, like serenity and tranquility.

My friends gave me answers and really, I was touched by it. And I was so touched by it that I saved a document with their answers on it. From time to time, I read them so I remember that there are people who care about me other than my parents and relatives. :’)

Readers who are sad or depressed, remember, there are people who care about you and are glad to have you in your life. Even though you may not believe it now, but it is true and it is a fact. 🙂

 

~CYC

Late Night Thoughts: Meaningful Quotes

So I was a browsing through a /r/askreddit thread titled ‘What quote speaks to you the most?’. Reading through the comments and most gave me a sense of realization of the world. I, too, have my own quotes that speak to me the most. Here are some of mine:

‘We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their behaviours.’

‘Be kind, not nice, to people. There’s a difference.’

‘How lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye hard.’

‘Years from now, I hope we are still in each other lives.’

‘Those who wander does not mean they are lost, it just means they’re searching for something.’

And lastly,

‘Live life with one moment at a time’

What are some of your own personal quotes? Do they have a special meaning? Hopefully they do 🙂 Good night!

~CYC

Late Night Thoughts: Trusting Friends

So I recently went to a friend’s hangout and they were talking about different types of friends; their uniqueness and whether you can trust them or not. And that sparked my own thoughts on the topic of friends and trust.

As I grew up, I always viewed friendships as being very valuable and precious to me. Whenever I meet someone with characteristics that I like such as being understanding, fun to hangout with (having common hobbies), not judging and kind, I can almost instantly ‘click’ with that friend. I think meeting someone who ‘clicks’ with you is not such a black and white answer. There are certainly variances between each friend that you ‘click’ with. However, for me, the one characteristic that determines whether I can be very close to that friend is trust. Trust to me is very important. It says so much about how I feel towards a person and whether I could be open with him/her.

In the past, I had many trust issues with different friends. Sometimes, I would question myself after: ‘Did I make the right choice? Should I have not told him *insert personal problems/secrets*?’ That runs through my mind most of the time. And often, I wouldn’t contact that friend as much as before afterwards.

I would say I judge people a lot but also look at their intentions. There’s a quote on my desk wall that says ‘We judge other people by their actions but we judge ourselves by our intentions.’ To me, that opened up my perspective to judging people. Although one’s action may seem awful to one person, but if you manage to put yourself into his or her position, it might not seem as awful. From there, I could determine the ‘level’ of trust I can put into a certain friend.

However, trust is such a fragile word. I feel like it has such a fine lining to what it actually means and I admit that sometimes I misuse it. What is trust exactly? What does it mean when I trust somebody? Does it mean I can tell all my secrets or problems to him/her? Or does it mean that I can rely on him when I need help? For me, trust means only one thing. That I am able to tell my deepest secrets and problems to them. That they are able to understanding and empathize with me. That I am just happy with their presence even though I’m crying, emotionally and mentally broken and tired of everything. That to me is trust.

You know who you are. The friend(s) that I fully trust. I really appreciate having them in my life and being a part of my journey through life. :’) Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Without them, I wouldn’t be here today.

It’s 3am right here now. Peace out and good night. 🙂

~CYC