In My Mind: A Heartfelt Message To My Best Friend

When I first met you at a friend’s house, I thought you were silly, funny and a joker. A personality that I see a lot and am familiar with within my group of friends. We didn’t know each other well back then. And I thought we could probably at most just be friends. We didn’t talk much and hardly exchanged any words other than ‘Hi’ and ‘Bye’.

A month later, I flew to Melbourne to start off my journey in pharmacy. We still barely interacted with each other even though we were both in the same Whatsapp group. My memories are hazy but we probably exchanged a few insults/memes here and there but nothing worthy of the term ‘best friend’.

Fast forward to November, I came back to Brunei for my holidays. Very few of my close friends were back in Brunei. So naturally, I contacted you to hang out with a few other people. From there, we started to get to know each other more. I help celebrate your birthday with a couple of friends. We met each other at a friend’s potluck. And we had a bunch of fun drinking and talking about deep, personal lives.

I think to myself what was the turning point. How did we suddenly became so close and comfortable with each other. And now I remember. It was the day after an event I missed out on, you texted me to go play pool with you and I was relatively shocked. I was still sad about the fact that I wasn’t invited to the event. I agreed to go out anyway. I asked you: ‘Why did you personally call me out?’. You said you felt bad for me cause I wasn’t at the event.

That was the first time someone has actually done something really thoughtful for me even though we just barely knew each other. From that night onwards, we just became closer with each other. I would always overthink and tell you that I’m scared of the past and future. I would cry in front of you. But you told me not to worry about it. You told me that to go with the flow and don’t force anything.

And then I flew back to Melbourne again. We had skype calls together, personally and with other good friends. I would always find you for help and advice. I would always find you because you were someone that would actually listen to me and not always be there ‘just to reply’. You even told me that I was your ‘brother’ even though you never liked that kind of relationship between friends. I would always see you as an older sibling. Someone that I could count on. And that has always been what I thought of until recently.

I came back to Brunei in November again. I lied to you so that I could surprise you on your birthday. I asked 2 friends to help me with it. It felt nice to do it and see you happy. You’d pick me up for hangouts because I couldn’t drive at that time. You’d always do so much for me. Till the point, I felt like I was depending on you. I was envy; I was clingy; I was expecting too much. I felt bitter when I see you having fun with other friends without me. I would always expect you to be there for me when I couldn’t cope with my emotions.

You have your own priorities and I know that. You were always the type of person who would rarely get cues or hints. You were the type of person who thinks that most things are fine. But at some point, I thought clearly and ranted to you. I was disappointed. I was disappointed not at the fact that you hung out with other people, but it was the fact that you never gave me a chance to help you when you had a problem. Whenever you were suffering, you would find someone else to help you although I was there. I offered you car rides when I could drive and you declined. Yet, you accept a car ride from someone who was 10km away from you while I was only 3km away from your house. In the end, it felt like you didn’t trust me. And it seemed to me that you never cared as much as I thought.

In a way, I realize that these aren’t important because you did so much for me. But the emotions are real. They’re never fake. But I know it was all my undoing. I expected too much. It was never your fault to begin with.

I cried furiously about it. We almost broke our friendship. I was scared of losing someone important in my life again. I’ve had similar experiences before. And I promised myself to not let my emotions get the better of me. To not let another important person walk out my life. I almost did it again. I was fearful.

But you told me. You told me what was wrong with me. You told me what I should to myself. You told me that not everything will go my way. And I am forever thankful for that. Perhaps it made me realize that I should be independent. I should not rely on you.

In a way, I guess the series of events made our friendship stronger. Maybe it became more distant. Who knows? But one thing I know for sure is I shall become independent and be happy for myself. So that you would be happy knowing that I am happy.

Lastly, maybe you’re reading this, maybe you’re not. And I know you have heard of these sentences a lot. But I am sorry for what I have done. I appreciate having you in my life. Because, you are one of the greatest friend I have ever met. And that nothing will change how I think about you as a friend.

~CYC

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