In My Mind: Envy

Envy. Envy is one of the seven sins alongside with Gluttony, Sloth, Lust, Pride, Wrath and Greed. It is also said to be the second most dangerous sin with the first place going to Pride. You might wonder why am I talking about the seven sins since it’s Chinese New Year and it’s such a heavy topic. Well, as all humans, we have our own ‘sins’ and for me, it’s the ‘sin’ of envy and recently I had something happened to me.

I spent my childhood in an environment where ‘competitiveness’ is a huge thing especially in education. Hence, the quotation marks. I was always told I had to get first in my class. I was always told to get 100. I was always told someone out there will be better than me if I don’t work hard to earn my place. As a result, I became jealous of other people. If they did better than me in a test, I would get bitter and get really sad.

As time goes on, I guess the jealousy of other people turned into envy and applied to other situations other than education such as family, relationships and lifestyle. If I see someone have great friendships/relationships or have a great family time, I immediately get envious of them. I want what they have. Therefore, I get emotionally frustrated and sad about my current situation.

Now, I only realized I have this ‘sin’ of envy only 3 years ago and I have been trying to fix it ever since. It has been going good for most parts but the only situation where I haven’t been able to fix my enviousness is friendship.

For me, I longed for a great friendship. Someone who I could have a deep talk to but also someone who could laugh and chill with me. Someone who I trust 100% in and someone who is honest with me. No lies and no BS. So whenever I see 2 or 3 people with that kind of friendship, it makes me envy them. ‘Why can’t I be like that? Why can’t I have a friendship like that? Did I do something wrong? Maybe I’m just not good enough.’ All these thoughts start flowing in me. Maybe the friendship I have with my friends isn’t what I thought it would be. It feels like a virus. It plagues my mind and thought process.

And you know, it turns out to be true. Story of my life. People just don’t see me the same way I see them. And it hurts really bad. Like a knife stabbed through the heart. I value friendship so much till the point where I cried a lot and can barely say anything. Why does my enviousness have to do this to me?

But you know what? I appreciate that they were honest with me instead of letting me live behind a wall of lies. Sure it may be bittersweet. But that’s life. You learn to accept it. If not, how else are you going to move on. Even then, at least we’re still friends. The worst part is only letting go of what I think the friendship should be. For that, I’m grateful to whoever that pulls me back into reality. The friends that puts the ‘realist’ perspective into my ‘idealist’ mindset. They’re the true heroes and friends.

As mentioned before, envy is the second most dangerous sin. And rightfully so. It weighs down on the human soul, making you relentlessly emotionally unstable and tired. Wishing you always had something better when you’re already well of with what you have.Without envy, you appreciate all the good things that happen in your life and make you feel content with what you have.

To end this post, I will promise myself that I will try to not allow my enviousness of other people get ahead of me. Because I do not want to experience the same suffering as I did last time. CYC out.

~CYC

 

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