In My Mind: Competitiveness and Perfectionist

Anyone that is close with me knows that I love playing video games and badminton.

For video games, I love the competitive aspect of it and the community of esports such as Dota 2, League of Legends, Overwatch and CS:GO. I love watching the ‘Majors’. I love theorycrafting and strategizing. I love participating in competitions where I can display my skills and strategies. My first ever competitive video gaming tournament was in 2011 and the main event was Warcraft 3 DotA (the very first version of Dota). At that time, I had formed a team with 4 friends and it was genuinely our first time ever playing in a proper tournament. We were very young, if not the youngest out of all of the teams on an average. We were just a bunch of players that get along well together and have good team synergy in games. We probably weren’t the most skilled but I always wanted to make up for that lack in skill with good strategy. That tournament went kind of well for us. We got 4th place and we felt that it was a great tournament for us even though we could’ve done better.

However, things didn’t go the way as we thought after that. One of our players left the team and we just never practiced anymore. We were playing a few games here and there but never seriously. Moreover, we could never find a suitable 5th player that would have good synergy with us. As a result, our next tournament was really bad. We got last place. I never really strategize much anymore and our teamwork just wasn’t there anymore. Our skills deteriorated and we just couldn’t keep up with the other players even though we know we could win against them.

Fast forward to the present, I’m still playing the same game. Sometimes when I watch tournaments, I strategize and give opinions on what is the optimal option. In a way, I kinda miss that. The joy of theorycrafting, the happiness of planning and the success of the implementation. Whenever I play ranked ladder for Dota 2, I guess it brings out the competitiveness in me. I just want to win so bad because of how I used to play the game in the past. It’s kind of a negative thing because I then become toxic. I’m very critical of my own mistakes and others as well. Whenever I do bad in a game, I always take the blame on me; whether it was the draft or a misplay from me. In a way, I didn’t want to be a burden to my team. I want to contribute to the team.

And this kind manifested in real life situations. One of them would be playing badminton. Whenever I come back to Brunei to play badminton with my friends, we play doubles a lot and the same concept of ‘competitiveness’ applies here. I want to be hitting my shots. I want to be able to go cross court and catch the shuttlecock. I don’t want to be a burden to my partner. Sometimes, I just want to smash my racket against the wall and just break down. Because really, I really want to do my best.

I don’t know how to feel. I’m just feeling quite emotionless whenever I think about doing my best; whether it’s badminton or playing video games. And that sucks. Really, really sucks. Not even sadness or happiness is felt. Just empty. People say there are always going to be bad days. But what if I wanted every day to be a great day for playing video games/badminton? I guess I am a perfectionist and a competitor.



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